life is hard to figure, but we're prisoners of hope
It's nearly midnight and I'm seriously tired, but as usual the creative wheels inside have just geared up and the w questions are making their appearance after the day's neglect. So now writing on a page I haven't touched in over a year. Did I mention it can take me some time to set up? Quite a bit has happened in the last 400+ days. I guess you could say I have been there and back again. "The shadow proves the sunshine" (thanks Switchfoot) And the experience of cozying up with those 3 little words with cause for squirm: "I don't know".
I never thought I'd make friends with that little letter combo. I've wanted to know everything ahead of time from age 4. But here I am. And it's takin a number of squashed plans to convince me that I really have no any idea what's going on. That said, it's the most honest answer I have and a small part of me is beginning to enjoy the friendship (emphasis on small).
Life is hard to figure. I read that somewhere. Just as God's love for us is stubborn and His grace incomprehendable. I like how Nichole Nordeman puts it:
"His love is not at all passive. It is so relentless in its pursuit of our terrified hearts. The love of God will hunt you down until you finally spin around in exasperaton ('okaaaaay!!!') and admit how cherished you are. It gives us confidence when comfort is MIA. It gives our stories context and hope when somebody else recklessly rips out a chapter. It fills in the blanks. The love of God hoists us up on the shoulders of Jesus and hollers out the promise of St. Paul, 'I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!' It scoops us up and makes us brave."
Run, baby run as fast as you can...but you'll keep running into Me. Psalm 23:6 What a promise. How many times have I run and then spun around? Evermore aware at the start and with each foot fall that I will, resolution or not, inevitably stop, pivot, and fall on my knees. Wow.. I need to admit that I spent last night/this morning throwing a bit of a tempertantrum at God. Some unmet expectations and dreams unraveled. The kind of stuff you keep hauling to alter for God to take, because He doesn't choose an instant fix. Hannah's story in 1 Samuel has been giving me some hope.
How can it be that in all that I know of Him, His Goodness etc there's still room in a part of me that feels strongly of an indifference from Him towards some dreams that He's written into my heart? He's been silent on them for a very long time. Unless I'm deaf (and I very well could be) there's been no yes or no. And silence is worse. Even Job got his relief when God spoke up before God ever restored (in greater measure) all that he'd lost. I've even asked them to be removed because I'm so tired of it hurting/mattering so much. Ha Ha.. well if He put them there then I guess He owns them too. So my mad spell didn't end with the resolution I so sought, I found myself driving around with the music loud.... singing along, sure enough, wanting to praise Him and ignore what I got so worked up about. He woke me up this morning, and He still has my heart so I guess these dreams are there still, and I won't be fully alive without them.
There's this sweet verse in Zech 9:12 that says we're prisoners of hope. God reminded me of that recently. There's a Willow Tree figurine with the little boy holding a balloon called hope. I'd been captivated by it since first sight.. it so embodies the idea of hope. His little arms reaching up.. where does my hope come from? I've got my hope set high...in the Highest, Someone above it all. Each time I'd seen it the store I debated the purchase and held off in the end. Anyway, I'd visited my aunt and uncle about 2 months ago and my Aunt informed me that she was sending me something. She had NO idea that I'd been struggling, and after one very tough day I came home to this box, and a note filled with verses on hope. As I unwrapped it, I pulled out the little boy and balloon, only God and maybe 2 other people on the planet knew I wanted. He must have known I needed something so tangible.
Went shopping today, kinda splurged a little. I might regret that later. Talk about flesh taking over. I did get a nice little raise on my paycheck this week. PTL! For the first time in my life I nearly passed out. Twice. (We're those attempts to get to me to stop shopping?... especially after that sermon Pastor Ryan last gave last Sunday on spending $) I've never blacked out so bad before, never been so assaulted by such physical darkness! lol. As I was standing in a squished line at the register I realized I couldn't see anything and had to oddly excuse myself to bend over and hope the lights would come back on. It happened at Subway too.
Now I'm eating a blizzard that melted. Speaking of blizzards, we should have one. So little snow has touched the ground its hard to imagine Christmas near. The commercialized way of drumming it in just doesn't seem to cut it. I want a REAL one, to be hushed, and lost in its wonder, beholding the beauty in the mystery. I say that every year. How He came in the humble and helpless skin of a baby, believing in 2 ordinary humans enough to raise him up, to then rescue a ransomed world. "Love is a gift wrapped up in the mystery of You"
Babies are so good at letting the wonder in. I was able to spend last weekend with Jordan and Mackenzie. I'm so glad God sent Macky into our world, everything is something to wonder at and something to taste :) she's not afraid to try. Its like she's reminding us how we're supposed to approach life. (check out the song Wunderkind by Alannis Morrisette on the Narnia soundtrack) When Mackenzie meets you she scans your face inquistively.. touches it and makes the biggest grin. Affirms you're something special, that He loves you, a wunderkind. She's so REAL. I long to BE with people, like Mackenzie is, like Jesus. Are we really on the other side of our eyes, our words? I wish everyone could meet her.
Its so dark out there. I was just thinking how for SAD, a daily dose is about 20-30 minutes spent under a special lamp in the morning. Imagine what every ray of God's Light does. Oh my I've rambled..
Bask much to fight off the winter's chill,
:)Cara
I never thought I'd make friends with that little letter combo. I've wanted to know everything ahead of time from age 4. But here I am. And it's takin a number of squashed plans to convince me that I really have no any idea what's going on. That said, it's the most honest answer I have and a small part of me is beginning to enjoy the friendship (emphasis on small).
Life is hard to figure. I read that somewhere. Just as God's love for us is stubborn and His grace incomprehendable. I like how Nichole Nordeman puts it:
"His love is not at all passive. It is so relentless in its pursuit of our terrified hearts. The love of God will hunt you down until you finally spin around in exasperaton ('okaaaaay!!!') and admit how cherished you are. It gives us confidence when comfort is MIA. It gives our stories context and hope when somebody else recklessly rips out a chapter. It fills in the blanks. The love of God hoists us up on the shoulders of Jesus and hollers out the promise of St. Paul, 'I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!' It scoops us up and makes us brave."
Run, baby run as fast as you can...but you'll keep running into Me. Psalm 23:6 What a promise. How many times have I run and then spun around? Evermore aware at the start and with each foot fall that I will, resolution or not, inevitably stop, pivot, and fall on my knees. Wow.. I need to admit that I spent last night/this morning throwing a bit of a tempertantrum at God. Some unmet expectations and dreams unraveled. The kind of stuff you keep hauling to alter for God to take, because He doesn't choose an instant fix. Hannah's story in 1 Samuel has been giving me some hope.
How can it be that in all that I know of Him, His Goodness etc there's still room in a part of me that feels strongly of an indifference from Him towards some dreams that He's written into my heart? He's been silent on them for a very long time. Unless I'm deaf (and I very well could be) there's been no yes or no. And silence is worse. Even Job got his relief when God spoke up before God ever restored (in greater measure) all that he'd lost. I've even asked them to be removed because I'm so tired of it hurting/mattering so much. Ha Ha.. well if He put them there then I guess He owns them too. So my mad spell didn't end with the resolution I so sought, I found myself driving around with the music loud.... singing along, sure enough, wanting to praise Him and ignore what I got so worked up about. He woke me up this morning, and He still has my heart so I guess these dreams are there still, and I won't be fully alive without them.
There's this sweet verse in Zech 9:12 that says we're prisoners of hope. God reminded me of that recently. There's a Willow Tree figurine with the little boy holding a balloon called hope. I'd been captivated by it since first sight.. it so embodies the idea of hope. His little arms reaching up.. where does my hope come from? I've got my hope set high...in the Highest, Someone above it all. Each time I'd seen it the store I debated the purchase and held off in the end. Anyway, I'd visited my aunt and uncle about 2 months ago and my Aunt informed me that she was sending me something. She had NO idea that I'd been struggling, and after one very tough day I came home to this box, and a note filled with verses on hope. As I unwrapped it, I pulled out the little boy and balloon, only God and maybe 2 other people on the planet knew I wanted. He must have known I needed something so tangible.
Went shopping today, kinda splurged a little. I might regret that later. Talk about flesh taking over. I did get a nice little raise on my paycheck this week. PTL! For the first time in my life I nearly passed out. Twice. (We're those attempts to get to me to stop shopping?... especially after that sermon Pastor Ryan last gave last Sunday on spending $) I've never blacked out so bad before, never been so assaulted by such physical darkness! lol. As I was standing in a squished line at the register I realized I couldn't see anything and had to oddly excuse myself to bend over and hope the lights would come back on. It happened at Subway too.
Now I'm eating a blizzard that melted. Speaking of blizzards, we should have one. So little snow has touched the ground its hard to imagine Christmas near. The commercialized way of drumming it in just doesn't seem to cut it. I want a REAL one, to be hushed, and lost in its wonder, beholding the beauty in the mystery. I say that every year. How He came in the humble and helpless skin of a baby, believing in 2 ordinary humans enough to raise him up, to then rescue a ransomed world. "Love is a gift wrapped up in the mystery of You"
Babies are so good at letting the wonder in. I was able to spend last weekend with Jordan and Mackenzie. I'm so glad God sent Macky into our world, everything is something to wonder at and something to taste :) she's not afraid to try. Its like she's reminding us how we're supposed to approach life. (check out the song Wunderkind by Alannis Morrisette on the Narnia soundtrack) When Mackenzie meets you she scans your face inquistively.. touches it and makes the biggest grin. Affirms you're something special, that He loves you, a wunderkind. She's so REAL. I long to BE with people, like Mackenzie is, like Jesus. Are we really on the other side of our eyes, our words? I wish everyone could meet her.
Its so dark out there. I was just thinking how for SAD, a daily dose is about 20-30 minutes spent under a special lamp in the morning. Imagine what every ray of God's Light does. Oh my I've rambled..
Bask much to fight off the winter's chill,
:)Cara
posted by cara joy at 12:54 AM
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